It's Funny... Or perhaps not

Recently I find myself thinking about me, who I am and who I used to be, the naivety I had when I when I was a student when we left and crying because it was over even though I would be living with the same people the following year. Then I started to realise as I have grown older any goodbyes have been far less dramatic, "we will definitely stay in touch" a year ago I left a job where I worked with the most amazing women I have ever met and I have only stayed in contact with two of them. So in a way I'm starting to wish the goodbyes had been more substantial so they would at least know what they had meant to me.


 it seems its so easy for connections to get diluted as I get older and my core group of friends only grows smaller and it does sadden me. There is one friend who I miss really a lot and its entirely my fault that we aren't speaking, we haven't fallen out I think she just got sick of me cancelling or not replying and when I didn't go to her leaving party it was the last straw, the thing is this, how do you explain to someone the reason you can't go is that your life has come to a massive standstill and although I couldn't be more proud that you are going on an amazing adventure I can't believe it isn't me?


The thought of standing with a group of people I have known for years and hear all about what they have done and what jobs they now have when I have done nothing of note, I am unemployed and i have no idea what to do next was just too much to take. But guess was I given the choice again, I'd stop being a selfish cow and come give you a massive hug and wish you well, it sounds daft and I bet I'm someone who has zero impact on your life so what I did probably doesn't even bother you anymore. It bothers me, I think of what I should have done and how I could have been a better friend before I go to sleep and for the last two nights it has kept me awake till the early hours, thinking of getting in touch with you, should I send a card? Truth is maybe I'm doing this just out of catharsis just so I can sleep, like if I get it out somewhere then it can stop going round in my head, truth is I really miss you.
Really.